Thursday, December 29, 2011

Coach fail, and editing

Still sick. I feel like I've forgotten how not to be constantly on the go...

Mwd and I have the piece 75 percent strung together and omg, it's just so so much flippin' writing. I am going to start performing parts of it at a weekly performance space that Mwd has put together which means more memorizing is imminent, which means the writing should ideally be as pared down as possible. The past few days I've been laying low in bed and editing my piece like a madwoman on a word rampage. I have been cutting and cutting and shortening everything. Will read the work to mwd in a week or so. Things are better between us; I apologized. I realized that I have issues around not paying her and trusting that she is still going to work at the level she was when I was paying her. I also worry that I am going to have to "pay her" in some sort of emotional way, like going out of my way to do this or that. But these fears are all projections based on the last relationship I had with my mentor, "N" (yes, the one that dissed me at my first performance). I feel I gave way too much time and emotional regard to her because she was letting me take her classes for free or a trade. Plus, I just really looked up to her because she had "made it" as an artist and I wanted to absorb as much of that as possible because that's what I wanted to do. But mwd is not "N". I just have to trust that it's going to be different this time around. But I still don't have a good feeling...

I interviewed my first potential coach today. She is a rep at a talent agency in NYC. I told her about my plans for my piece. She told me that because I was a "nobody" that I should not count on a thing happening with my piece. She told me that she thought it was therapeutically beneficial for me to be writing a piece about rape and wondered if I just needed to get more therapy to heal and move forward with my life. Then I learned that she had been brutally raped when she was 13 and her story was a public spectacle in Florida. She wasn't sure she wanted to be a part of making my rape story a public story because hers was so traumatizing. I got it. Her story shook me up though. I have been experiencing a lot of doubt about my piece since talking to her. But I have to separate my rape and my piece from her story.  I have to keep moving forward. I'll try out the other coach tomorrow.

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