Saturday, May 28, 2011

Solo Performance, summer intensive

I signed up again. Rape performance dabbling, part II. This time we have only six weeks (holy balls!) to put together a 15-20 minute show. Last time I performed about the do-it-yourself search for the house where I was allegedly. This time I'm gonna perform the conversations and meetings I had with the inspector at the sex crimes unit.
Today was the first day of class. Again, five girls, 1 bro. I more outspoken since I knew Martha and the format of the class. Still, though, it's uncomfortable telling people, "oh hey, yeah, I was raped. You go ahead and perform about your relationship problems, your family issues, your love of kung fu, you know, normal things, and I'll just be tackling the big R in 15 minutes. No bigs."
Met a cool fellow performer. Vanessa Alabarces. Puerto-Rican/Cuban. Fellow brownie! I started to jokingly diss her in class about something and she turned to me, looked me straight in the eye and said, "I don't appreciate you interrupting with your hasty conclusions about me." I felt embarrassed for a second but mostly thought, looks like this girl and I are going to be good friends. Again, everyone was shocked at how my rape had been handled by the SFPD.

Monday, May 16, 2011

"Bay to Rapers", 1 year anniversary

I fled the SF today. Well, almost. I stayed at my friends last night and planned to meet her at my aunt's timeshare in Napa. But in order to get there I had to go through the city. I took the backroads, certain that I wouldn't cross any stragglers from the race.
In front of me, a neon dressed group drunkedly stumbling along a street corner. One of the girls was barfing. Two guys nearly walked into oncoming traffic. My vision completely blanked. I pulled over to the curb, gasping for breath. inhale, exhale. 10 minutes passed and I was able to drive again. I made it to Napa. I didn't tell my friend about what happened. I felt ashamed that I would be having this type of reaction.
It's been a year. My rape kit is still on a shelf. The suspect could have targeted another victim today. I watched a movie with my friend in a napa timeshare suite but I honestly don't remember what it was. I kept spacing out and re-entering the fragments of this day a year ago.
I feel Numb.
and Blank.
Blank like those first three seconds
when you wake in the morning,
when absolutely nothing fills your mind.
I talked with my friend about blah blah blah and her family while eating organic chicken and mashed potatoes in the bouge restaurant.
Hours later, after she fell asleep, I started shaking in my bed.