SF theater festival flake

I'm going through a breakup. (hmmm, did I fail to mention that yes! I did cross that threshold of dating again after getting raped!!) And even though it was a 6 month on and off shortish relationship, I am still going through the loss. And barely getting out of bed. And watching youtube videos of Helen Mirren and wishing that she was my mom. OMG, did i really just write that. If there was ever an indicator of depression.
So I am supposed to perform my piece at the SF theater festival tomorrow. I tried rehearsing it today for about 30 minutes and was quickly reminded about how much I am at odds with the last piece. So then I tried to dredge up my first piece and I could barely remember a word of it. So then I got back in bed and called Martha to flake. I'm such an asshole! I should have given her more notice!! But, as I've learned, there is nothing worse (performance-wise), than performing my piece about rape and then feeling like shit about it afterward. So I have to be ok with this and just move forward. Hopefully without Helen Mirren as my fantasy mom. Talk about true shame. :-/

Pre-show cathart, post-show decisions

Ok,whoa. I dunno if I was pmsing or what but before the show tonight I broke down crying in my car. Our call was at 6. And from 6 to 6:30 I didn't stop crying. It was a deep, thick cry. From my bones. It actually felt great. And I wasn't thinking anything while I cried. Actually once I thought, thank you, heather. thank you for keeping going.
Jessica and my ex boyfriend, John came to the performance. Jessica loved it. She said that she felt "my voice" or more a flavor of me. I felt surprised. I didn't really feel like me at all. But I was thankful for the compliment. John said that I could be more vulnerable and not make so many jokes. He said, it doesn't need to be funny all the time. Rape is not funny. I agree with his direction.
I sat in my car after the show thinking and staring up at the glowing street lamp. This style of performance that Martha is trained in, which is very stand-up comedy based, is not quite right for me. I need humor but I also need someone who can direct me to depth and vulnerability. Who can I approach to help me direct my piece?

My new piece pretty much sucks

Just back from class. Ok, I am totes not happy with my piece. Like, at all. But we are at week 4 already and I don't know how to change it without starting over or taking it in a different direction. This piece feels too forced. It's like I am trying too hard to make jokes about the rape and not say how I really felt about the whole ordeal at the inspector's office: scared shitless. But to be honest and vulnerable would completely change the tone of the piece. I think? Plus I get freaked out that if I choose to take this tone, the audience will see me as a fucked-up, attention-seeking victim. Which I am not. Plus my onstage physicality. Ugh, so disorganized. Martha doesn't really give much direction in this arena so I am just bumbling along, trying to come up with movement that fits but isn't too influenced from my previous mentor, who BTW, I am still NOT talking to!!

Solo Performance, summer intensive

I signed up again. Rape performance dabbling, part II. This time we have only six weeks (holy balls!) to put together a 15-20 minute show. Last time I performed about the do-it-yourself search for the house where I was allegedly. This time I'm gonna perform the conversations and meetings I had with the inspector at the sex crimes unit.
Today was the first day of class. Again, five girls, 1 bro. I more outspoken since I knew Martha and the format of the class. Still, though, it's uncomfortable telling people, "oh hey, yeah, I was raped. You go ahead and perform about your relationship problems, your family issues, your love of kung fu, you know, normal things, and I'll just be tackling the big R in 15 minutes. No bigs."
Met a cool fellow performer. Vanessa Alabarces. Puerto-Rican/Cuban. Fellow brownie! I started to jokingly diss her in class about something and she turned to me, looked me straight in the eye and said, "I don't appreciate you interrupting with your hasty conclusions about me." I felt embarrassed for a second but mostly thought, looks like this girl and I are going to be good friends. Again, everyone was shocked at how my rape had been handled by the SFPD.

"Bay to Rapers", 1 year anniversary

I fled the SF today. Well, almost. I stayed at my friends last night and planned to meet her at my aunt's timeshare in Napa. But in order to get there I had to go through the city. I took the backroads, certain that I wouldn't cross any stragglers from the race.
Fail.
In front of me, a neon dressed group drunkedly stumbling along a street corner. One of the girls was barfing. Two guys nearly walked into oncoming traffic. My vision completely blanked. I pulled over to the curb, gasping for breath. inhale, exhale. 10 minutes passed and I was able to drive again. I made it to Napa. I didn't tell my friend about what happened. I felt ashamed that I would be having this type of reaction.
It's been a year. My rape kit is still on a shelf. The suspect could have targeted another victim today. I watched a movie with my friend in a napa timeshare suite but I honestly don't remember what it was. I kept spacing out and re-entering the fragments of this day a year ago.
I feel Numb.
and Blank.
Blank like those first three seconds
when you wake in the morning,
when absolutely nothing fills your mind.
I talked with my friend about blah blah blah and her family while eating organic chicken and mashed potatoes in the bouge restaurant.
Hours later, after she fell asleep, I started shaking in my bed.

Busback Flash

This evening I was driving back from the city. I entered the tunnel right before the golden gate bridge and switched lanes. I was behind a bus. The bus back read in fluorescent green lettering Bay to Breakers 2011. Before I even finished reading, I spontaneously vomited all over myself and swerved into the next lane. So gross! I pulled off at the vista lookout and opened my door just in time to vomit again. oh joy. I tore off all my clothes and mopped up the vomit on my seat and steering wheel. I sat in my car in my bra and underwear and blasted the heat, completely hazed out, watching tourists come and take night photos of the cityscape. Omg, will this shit ever go away?

Post Show *%@**&

Ok so I think that I did a solid job performing. For only 8 weeks of prep time. The house was full. I closed the show. The audience clapped for a long time. I had a dozen or so friends come to support including a past mentor and close friend of mine whose style of performance has influenced me a lot. I used a lot of physicality in my show which I had learned to do in her class. After the show, all my friends were coming up to me, hugging me, congratulating me and telling me how strongly I had performed. When my mentor approached me she didn't look me in the eye, barely hugged me, said "we should talk", and then left. I burst into tears on the spot.
Today, I told her I needed space and to not contact me. She wrote back all confused and upset. I pressed delete. I am hurt and pissed. This was my first time performing a very unfinished, very new piece on a very difficult subject matter. You don't treat someone coldly like the way she treated me right after they perform. I feel very re-traumatized. I cried in my bed all afternoon. It should have been a very healing, successful evening for me. I don't want her in my life at the moment. I'm trying to focus on the positive things.