Writing, writing, more writing

I met with my director for the fourth time today and read her some of the more recent writing. She liked some of it and got bored at other parts. She wants me to get into my rage and anger towards the rapist. Like, what I would do to him if I had him cornered. She wants me to make up fantasy sequences. She also had me move around and do some improvisational exercises. It was a bit awkward, and I was nervous at first since I don't know her that well but then I warmed up and had some fun. She gave me movement repetitions to practice so that I have good stage presence. I had a ton of fun with her. I feel like we have a good connection and that we're headed somewhere. I left her a message again saying that I think she's the bees knees and that I felt very fortunate for our connection.

Humor me, Inspector 3

I've been writing a lot about the rape and my feelings around it per my director's instruction. It got me feeling charged up about my (still!) unprocessed rape kit. I got the balls to call about it today. To be honest, it's confusing to call. Because it's been a year and a half now and I'm in a much different place. I have a job, I'm settled in my own place, I've been through a lot of therapy, I've performed twice about the rape -- I've waaaay moved on from the initial shock and trauma. So what's the use in calling? Calling about my rape kit has that joyful, magical touch of putting me right back to the place that I was the day I was raped. Powerlessness. To the justice system. So who cares, just move on, Heather. That's the stronger thing to do. But then I think, what if they processed it and they forgot to contact me. What if there were results? Maybe calling is the stronger thing to do?
The third inspector on my case talked to me for awhile. He said that my kit was still shelved in Nor Cal. The suspect's DNA still at SFPD. No funding at this time for "my type of case." He promised it would eventually be processed though and that I would be notified no matter what. He said that even if there was no match that the DNA found on me would go into a national DNA database of offenders so that if the offender were to re-offend and be id'ed, the DNA found on me would match up. He didn't have any idea how long it would be. I purposefully turned off any feelings for this conversation. I disassociated from myself. I hung up, I just stared at my computer screen for awhile. I blinked a lot. I cracked my back.
Now I'm writing this entry and then I'm writing for my piece some more.
It's not worth feeling anything. I won't let this affect me. Not. Worth. It!!

1st meeting with director

Yeah! It went really well! The director came to my place. She had on a cute black A-line dress and converse. She is 53 but she looks ten years younger. To begin, she asked me to just read some of my writing from the rape. Within the first few sentences she was cracking up and saying that she liked my writing a lot. I basically read my writing for two hours to give her a sense of the story. She asked questions and then asked me to write some more on certain parts of the rape; feelings, textures, more personal narrative around the emotional terrain of being raped. I said I'd give it a go. When she left I called her house and left her a voicemail saying that I really had a great time working with her.

New job

Started my new job today. I am the head music teacher at The Alta Vista School (grades pre-k through 2nd) in SF's mission district. I have never taught music to kids in a classroom setting before, (only individual lessons) so I was beyond nervous. The kids were loud, boisterous and talked back. I couldn't remember any of their names and my voice wobbled when I sang. The classrooms were small and the teachers remained in the room during my session which didn't help my nervousness. I left completely overloaded, overstimulated and with kids songs stuck in my head.  This always happens with a new job (well, minus the kids songs). Learning curves take awhile to catch up to. At least I'm making money at a legit job. Before this it was unemployment, occasional nannying, and private lessons.

A maybe new director

Today I met with a possible director at Scoop in fairfax. I barely made it, so did not want to go. I am still in a horrid mood from the breakup. But I'm off the Helen Mirren videos so that's progress I guess.
I auditioned for this director's piece last summer. I was in complete shock from the rape so pretty sure I wasn't as "alive" as the other actresses were. But my mentor (yeah, the same one who was so cold at my show) had suggested that, "I get over the rape and move forward" with something productive so I dragged myself to read for her piece. Shocker that I didn't get the part.
But I really liked her piece. It had magical, ethereal, emotional elements to it that I often struggle for in my writing. Plus there was physicality. So I contacted her on the hope that she might be interested.

The meeting went well. We ate ice cream and talked about rape. We dissed and laughed about the marginal theater scene in SF which led me to telling all the things I didn't want my piece to be. She said she was definitely interested in working with me but said that she's not really a director so we should just give it a trial and that either party could bail out anytime with no hard feelings. I told her I'd be in touch.

Now I am back in bed. Dude, maybe I need to get on a different anti-depressant. This breakup residual is really sticking; WTF I wasn't even in love.

SF theater festival flake

I'm going through a breakup. (hmmm, did I fail to mention that yes! I did cross that threshold of dating again after getting raped!!) And even though it was a 6 month on and off shortish relationship, I am still going through the loss. And barely getting out of bed. And watching youtube videos of Helen Mirren and wishing that she was my mom. OMG, did i really just write that. If there was ever an indicator of depression.
So I am supposed to perform my piece at the SF theater festival tomorrow. I tried rehearsing it today for about 30 minutes and was quickly reminded about how much I am at odds with the last piece. So then I tried to dredge up my first piece and I could barely remember a word of it. So then I got back in bed and called Martha to flake. I'm such an asshole! I should have given her more notice!! But, as I've learned, there is nothing worse (performance-wise), than performing my piece about rape and then feeling like shit about it afterward. So I have to be ok with this and just move forward. Hopefully without Helen Mirren as my fantasy mom. Talk about true shame. :-/

Pre-show cathart, post-show decisions

Ok,whoa. I dunno if I was pmsing or what but before the show tonight I broke down crying in my car. Our call was at 6. And from 6 to 6:30 I didn't stop crying. It was a deep, thick cry. From my bones. It actually felt great. And I wasn't thinking anything while I cried. Actually once I thought, thank you, heather. thank you for keeping going.
Jessica and my ex boyfriend, John came to the performance. Jessica loved it. She said that she felt "my voice" or more a flavor of me. I felt surprised. I didn't really feel like me at all. But I was thankful for the compliment. John said that I could be more vulnerable and not make so many jokes. He said, it doesn't need to be funny all the time. Rape is not funny. I agree with his direction.
I sat in my car after the show thinking and staring up at the glowing street lamp. This style of performance that Martha is trained in, which is very stand-up comedy based, is not quite right for me. I need humor but I also need someone who can direct me to depth and vulnerability. Who can I approach to help me direct my piece?