Inspector genius called back

I: "Hi Heather, this is the Inspector calling to follow up on your sexual assault kit. So your kit is still in the que down at the crime lab."
H: "The que? Are you kidding me? The que must be pretty big at this point since it's been 2 and a half years."
I: "Well it doesn't exactly work like you see on CSI. It takes a long time to process DNA and forensics and a lot of money and there are many, many cases that take priority over yours. For instance the Mission Street Rapist awhile back, he was actually breaking women's neck and injuring them. So here's what I suggest, go ahead and put in your e-calendar to call me back every 6 months to check up on the status of your case."
H: "How many rape kits do you think are at the SF crime lab at this point?"
I: " It's hard to tell, we don't have the best communications with the crime lab."

#WTFhappens@SFCRIMELAB

Talked to G today

I dropped my friend and teacher, Kathy Altman, off at the Oakland Airport today. She was heading off to Georgia to do a workshop. After pulling away I quickly pulled over again to take G's call. I updated her on my piece and the work that the documentarian in San Francisco wants to do in terms of touring HGR to young high school boys as an educational piece. G said that it sounded like a great idea and that she just needed a little more time to recover from the pneumonia and radiation that she had on her hips. I told her that the documentarian was hoping that we could have the piece staged by mid-late October. G said, "I can definitely get it done by then. Don't worry baby, I won't abandon you." She told me to read over my piece and memorize the first couple pages or whatever I felt most comfortable and certain on with the writing. I told her that I missed her and that she was SUCH a trooper and to hang in there and that I will be back to NYC as soon as she's feeling better. She told me about all the pain she's in and I could only keep repeating, "I am so so so sorry, G. You are a trooper. Hang in there. I love you, I love you, I love you. I hung up the phone and burst into tears. It's so unfair and fucked that she's going through this. Cancer blows.

SF General Medical Records and a sexist SFPD

Went and picked up my rape medical records today. It cost me $4 dollars. I read those 16 pages that told me all of injuries I sustained...injuries I didn't remember or had repressed...probably for the best. There was no mention of my toxicology report which confused me because I knew that I had blood drawn and a urine sample. My sexual assault nurse practitioner's number was on my records so I called her up. Shockingly, she answered. She explained to me that she wasn't surprised that my rape kit hadn't been processed because they are very expensive. She told me that if I wanted my toxicology reports that I had to go down to SFPD and get them from the crime lab.
I sat in my car after the conversation and went back and forth with myself as to whether I emotionally had it in me to return, yet again, to the sexual assault unit at the SF Superior Courthouse.
An hour later I sat in the waiting room at the Special Victims Unit. An Inspector came out 20 minutes later. I gave him my case number and he disappeared again for another 15. He came back here's the jist of our conversation:
Heather (H): So I am following up on my rape kit. It's been 2 and a half years now. When can I expect it to be processed? And if that is not possible then can I at least see my toxicology reports?
Inspector (I): Well, it looks like your case file is now in Iron Mountain. It's not accessible anymore. The status of your case is open/inactive.
H: Ok. but what about my toxicology reports? Can I at least get those from the crime lab?
I: Why do you want your toxicology reports?
H: To see what kind of drugs I was given?
I: Well, the likelihood of drugs showing up in your report is very slim. Basically the drugs leave your system the moment you wake up. And actually, alcohol is the more likely culprit for your blacking out...
H: But I only had two drinks.
I: Well, see, those two drinks, this is how we are trained to talk about this subject. See, you're a woman. Women metabolize alcohol differently because they are more hormonal, weigh less, have menstruation. Plus your metabolism would have changed if you ran the race that day. So while men... men could drink two drinks and steadily metabolize the alcohol the same way every time, women just don't. So it's more likely that you blacked out that day than anything else.

I left the SVU completely astounded at how medieval the SVU sex assault unit is in dealing with female rape victims. #WTF

SF then back to NYC

Welp, I am back in San Francisco. Gabrielle has pneumonia and needs some time to recover. I'm gonna do some fundraising and get my violin and head on back to New York.

Jan Reicher is letting me stay at her place since mine is subletted. So generous!!

Today I went to get my hospital records from my drug rape. Fun. Times. I need them to see my toxicology report.

So just FYI -- in case you ever need to get medical records from SF General hospital:
1) You will NOT get your medical records the same day you request them.

2) You CANNOT have your records emailed or faxed to you. You must pick them up in person.

3) Your medical records cost 0.25 cents a page. ("Even if I'm requesting rape records??" I ask. "Yep, still costs 0.25 cents a page. You may pay with cash, debit, or credit card.")

I'll be back in a week, SF General. Rape medical records here I come.

1 throw away song, 1 maybe keep some of it song

Ok so the full first song sounds something Patti Griffinish because duh, that's who I have been listening to for inspiration... But it's not really me. So scratch it. I've been fooling around on garageband and found a couple sounds that fit together. There are no chord changes or progressions. It stays in the same key the whole time! Ugh. Embarrassing. But it's super annoying "composing"  because I'm literally using my computer keyboard to write out the music. How unmusical. It feels so creatively dead. Guess I'm not destined to be a DJ. I need to get my violin shipped out here. Thinking of sending this song "sketch" attempt to my band as well to see if they have any instrumentation inspiration.

Here are the lyrics to my first garageband song. It's about the victim blaming I went through:

You shocked the girl
storm of grenades
in private passages
vulnerable veins

love me I scoff
kin we are not
the dog will always
track the bad blood

refugee tramp
don't call me again
i'm better off this way

like a bird
i have flown
the crystal ball is clear
you've shown no regret
the laceration is too deep

you're always right
mommy dearest why 
my bullet train
should have sped
on by

it stopped because
we've let each
other inside
I no longer take passengers
that won't look me in the eye

I have gone all the way for you
gone all the way for you

refugee tramp
don't call me again
i'm better off this way

Vocal Interludes

So nothing has been coming to me in terms of a full song about the whole rape experience. What has come instead are these vocal bits and pieces, kind of like interludes. I'm not working with instrumentation so I've just been using my voice to layer rhythmic sounds over my main melodies.   I've been recording them in garageband.

Gabrielle loves a lot of my interlude thingys!  But she still wants me to try and write a whole song. She asked me to go back into the time period of my rape and try to write from that place, from what I was experiencing then. I have five or six songs from a band I was with in the year after my rape. I need to take a listen to that material and see if I like any of it. She also suggested that I use some sort of instrumentation. So I am going to fumble my way through Garageband's instrumental offerings. Ugh. I am totes not skilled at this and pretty impatient with trying to learn. I'm sure it will be really simple but whatever I guess I have to at least try. I wish I had my band on me. We would kill on this.

2nd read-through with Gabrielle

I've been non-stop editing and editing and editing my piece which is a way different energy than being in the writing flow. It's stop and go and return and return and return to a single sentence for 10, 20, 40 minutes. And even then I'm sometimes not be satisfied.  I'm trying to make the piece as sparse as possible and still move the story along in a descriptive, paced way. This writing style is very different from my other piece. Plus Gabrielle is just trusting me to do the edits on my own for now which makes me a little uneasy since I could have ruined my piece last time but I am taking her direction and going for it.
Today I did a second run-through at G's loft. It was completely sweltering but the air conditioner in the main room of the house was too noisy so we went in her back room and I read the piece aloud Nilaya and her. At one point G closed her eyes and I immediately thought, "Oh great, she hates it. Now what?" Her eyes continued to stay closed and a few paragraphs later I stopped and said, "Um, did you fall asleep?"
"No, no, no, I'm just really hot, babe. I'm right with you. Keep going." I finished the piece. G said that she was really proud of me. "You've resurrected your piece. Now I have something I can work with. Good work. I'm so excited to be working with you."
She said that we now need to find a reputable dramaturg but in the meantime she gave me the next step -- musical composition. She told me to write a song about the whole drug rape experience.
I don't have my violin, guitar or band with me so I will just have to get creative vocally.
I can't believe I essentially wrote a whole new piece in 3 weeks! I am glad to step back from the writing. Definitely need a break from it.