THE HAZE IN THE SF CHRONICLE!

'Haze' looks at the limbo of waiting for rape kit to be tested

Jessica Zack

As Heather Marlowe recollects in her autobiographical one-woman play "The Haze," she was excitedly moving into her first apartment in San Francisco the weekend of May 16, 2010, when she heard about a must-see "running race/street party thing."

Bay to Breakers was on. So she and a friend headed out for a race pre-party.

And the next thing Marlowe remembers is waking up the next morning, bruised and disoriented, in an unfamiliar apartment in the Inner Richmond. Her cell phone and wallet were gone, and a man she didn't recognize was yelling at her to leave the building.

At San Francisco General the horrible truth sank in that she had been drugged and raped. During the forensic exam, doctors assembled a sexual assault evidence collection kit. Commonly called a rape kit, it contains biological evidence that could include DNA left by an attacker.

A police inspector told Marlowe she should expect the results from the evidence being tested against a criminal database "any day now." Yet after more than two years - including dozens of phone calls to the San Francisco Police Department and Marlowe's own amateur sleuthing in person and online to try to identify her rapist - she was still waiting.

"All. That. Time. Do you know how hard it is to move on when you're sitting inside that limbo?" she asks in the emotionally potent monologue of "The Haze," which has an upcoming 12-night run at The Costume Shop at ACT.

"I'd been through this painful experience, and then it's pretty unbearable to think that DNA evidence could just be disintegrating, untested, in some lab," Marlowe, 32, said during a recent morning interview at a coffee shop in San Rafael.

Regaining confidence

She "was freaked out living in the city where it happened" and moved to Marin after the attack, using a relocation stipend from the San Francisco District Attorney Victim Services Division.

"I had such an absurd and compelling story to tell, about a total mishandling of how I thought our justice system worked," Marlowe says. "And so I started writing."

She began developing "The Haze" as part of comedian W. Kamau Bell's Solo Performance Workshop in 2012.

"At first there were moments when I'd think, 'Oh my God, did I really just talk about my rape onstage?' " she says. "But I did my first 20 minutes, gained a lot of confidence and realized I could turn it into a full performance."

She has since workshopped the play for San Francisco and New York audiences. Marlowe says she has been inspired by "master storytellers Spalding Gray and Mike Daisy." Daisy's wife Jean-Michele Gregory directs the play at ACT.

In person, as in her play, Marlowe is thoughtful and also able to find some absurd humor embedded in her painful experiences. She says she has worked with Gregory to "strike the right balance between the dark stuff that is just real, and my sardonic slant on it."

Although the working title of the play was "Any Day Now," she decided to call it "The Haze" for the "dissociative and dreamlike" state she says she experienced as a girl growing up in Olympia, Wash., with a "Filipino Tiger Mom" and an abusive father.

Marlowe says she "felt so alone" when she started writing "The Haze." "I wondered if other people were hitting this same wall of not getting their kits processed."

She has no idea that her plight was unfortunately all too common among victims of rape locally and nationally.

National backlog

The Joyful Heart Foundation, which works with victims of sexual assault, says experts have estimated that well over 100,000 kits are awaiting analysis across the country.

The issue has been drawing considerable press attention this year. Politicians, editorial boards and nonprofit advocacy groups (such as endthebacklog.org, founded by actress Mariska Hargitay) have been urging action - namely funding - to alleviate the vast backlog.

President Obama recently proposed a $41 million federal grant program to support comprehensive testing.

At the state level, Assemblywoman Nancy Skinner, D-Berkeley, and Alameda County District Attorney Nancy O'Malley introduced measure AB1517 in January to push law enforcement agencies to test kits more promptly.

The bill has unanimously passed both legislative houses and awaits Assembly confirmation and the governor's signature, according to O'Malley.

"It's a travesty that victims are not able to find closure, and rapists are not getting caught, because our system for processing the kits is broken," says former California State Assembly Speaker Pro Tempore Fiona Ma. "Heather is so brave to tell her story; and when people hear it, they start to understand what a huge problem this is."

Ma co-sponsored with Patricia Lurie a San Francisco benefit performance of excerpts of "The Haze" in July for guests including city police officers.

Marlowe says the rape has made her "way more cautious than I ever used to be. I don't like having this hyper-vigilance. I don't want women to feel they have to go out with an app that can detect roofies in a drink and always be on the defensive. And yet when that part of your brain is turned on to be super careful you can't really turn it off."

'Reluctant activist'

Marlowe has testified on the issue of the rape kit backlog before the San Francisco Police Commission and the state Legislature and been interviewed on numerous TV news programs. Yet she calls herself a "reluctant activist. I never thought I'd be the public face of this issue."

"I don't want to be pigeonholed as this 'issue playwright,' " she says. "And at the same time I do care deeply. I've had women come up to me after the show, all across the age range, who have had this happen to them. Audiences have been shocked and want to know how we can right this wrong."

 The Haze: Thursday-Saturday, Thursday-Sept. 27. (Thursdays at 7 p.m. Fridays and Saturdays at 8 p.m.) Tickets: $20 online or at the door (cash only). http://bit.ly/thehazeplayACT.

Jessica Zack is a freelance writer. E-mail: datebookletters@sfchronicle.com

The Haze on MSNBC with Meredith Clark!

The Haze on MSNBC with Meredith Clark

Media Coverage!

The Haze on FOX news!

The Haze invited to attend Joyful Heart conference about Rape Kit Backlog!

I am being flown down to Los Angeles this weekend to attend a conference about the national rape kit backlog. I look forward to networking and sharing my experiences with CSI's Mariska Hartigay's organization: http://www.joyfulheartfoundation.org.

Will keep you all posted!

It's a wrap! The Haze 4 day workshop, Boxcar Theater, San Francisco, CA

Thank you all so so much for coming to The Haze. I felt SO very supported to see all of you in the audience!

Special Thank Yous to my co-sponsors who made this all possible: Debbie Findling, Jan Reicher, Suzette Clarke, Naomi Tucker of Shalom Bayit, Heidi Li of SF WAR, Nick Olivero of Boxcar Studio, Sarah Caveney of MoveMe Studio, and Yerba Buena Center for the Arts.

Additional Thank Yous to tech and sound: Trip, Luke, and Holly.

And a BIG Thank You to my workshop director, Naisa Wong.

ABC news!

I recently interviewed with ABC news about my show and experience dealing with the SFPD. Here is the new clip that aired! http://abclocal.go.com/kgo/story?section=news/iteam&id=9101385

Thank you everyone for your support!

goodbye dream with G

Last night I had a vivid dream about G and me. I was performing my piece and G was with me at the performance. It was a sold out audience. Before I went on, Gabrielle said, "Heath, I don't think I will get another chance to teach, do you mind if I say a few words?"

"G, duh, of course, please." 

So G went on to teach my audience members about dancing and staying embodied. And then everyone started dancing and G pulled me aside and said, "Heath, I never got a chance to dance with you. Let's dance, k?" Her husband, Robert came over and interjected, "G, actually you have a flight to catch."

"Ok, Robert, then go pack my stuff, I am dancing with Heather."

And so we danced. We danced close and laughed. G kept saying, "touch me, like, touch me and let's do contact." 

"But G, I am going to crush you, look at you, you're so tiny!"

"Honey, that shit doesn't matter anymore."

So we did some contact and it felt so loving and maternal and warm. Her face was glowing and she kept laughing and smiling. Then she said, "baby, I gotta go now."

"Should I come with you?" I said.

"You can't. You got work to do, girlfriend."

I woke up this morning to an email from Lori that Gabrielle had passed away last night. I immediately texted Nilaya that I am sending her so much love and support. 

She texted me back, "Thanks girl. Now time to go rock the SHIT out of your piece!!" 

blow Gabrielle a kiss from me

I dropped Lori and Kathy off at the airport last Thursday on their way to say goodbye to G. I told them to blow Gabrielle a kiss goodbye from me. I was conflicted as to whether or not I should go to NYC to say goodbye. There are so many people already there who are so close to her and I've only known her for a summer so I decided to stay back and join the masses of people pouring in with love and support on G's FB page. There are 4,000 people who have joined already. The woman kicked some serious ass in her lifetime.

Heard from Nil

It's been a couple weeks since I last talked to G and my friends Lori and Kathy say it's not looking good for G. I don't want to believe it. I emailed Nilaya and heard back from her. She told me that, "the more I can do on my own now, the better." I am in disbelief about this.

I've also heard back from Gabrielle's close friend Ina Meibach, who has read the work G and I did. She told me that she found the work to be very moving and beautifully written but that it needed work theatrically speaking. She got the direction that Gabrielle was heading. She told me to send her a video of my performance and that she would be in touch if she had any ideas for directors. She warned me though, that because of the subject matter of my piece, and the fact that she worked mostly on Broadway, that she wasn't sure she would be able to come up with a good match for a director. I am just grateful for the call and her feedback. 

Inspector genius called back

I: "Hi Heather, this is the Inspector calling to follow up on your sexual assault kit. So your kit is still in the que down at the crime lab."
H: "The que? Are you kidding me? The que must be pretty big at this point since it's been 2 and a half years."
I: "Well it doesn't exactly work like you see on CSI. It takes a long time to process DNA and forensics and a lot of money and there are many, many cases that take priority over yours. For instance the Mission Street Rapist awhile back, he was actually breaking women's neck and injuring them. So here's what I suggest, go ahead and put in your e-calendar to call me back every 6 months to check up on the status of your case."
H: "How many rape kits do you think are at the SF crime lab at this point?"
I: " It's hard to tell, we don't have the best communications with the crime lab."

#WTFhappens@SFCRIMELAB

Talked to G today

I dropped my friend and teacher, Kathy Altman, off at the Oakland Airport today. She was heading off to Georgia to do a workshop. After pulling away I quickly pulled over again to take G's call. I updated her on my piece and the work that the documentarian in San Francisco wants to do in terms of touring HGR to young high school boys as an educational piece. G said that it sounded like a great idea and that she just needed a little more time to recover from the pneumonia and radiation that she had on her hips. I told her that the documentarian was hoping that we could have the piece staged by mid-late October. G said, "I can definitely get it done by then. Don't worry baby, I won't abandon you." She told me to read over my piece and memorize the first couple pages or whatever I felt most comfortable and certain on with the writing. I told her that I missed her and that she was SUCH a trooper and to hang in there and that I will be back to NYC as soon as she's feeling better. She told me about all the pain she's in and I could only keep repeating, "I am so so so sorry, G. You are a trooper. Hang in there. I love you, I love you, I love you. I hung up the phone and burst into tears. It's so unfair and fucked that she's going through this. Cancer blows.

SF General Medical Records and a sexist SFPD

Went and picked up my rape medical records today. It cost me $4 dollars. I read those 16 pages that told me all of injuries I sustained...injuries I didn't remember or had repressed...probably for the best. There was no mention of my toxicology report which confused me because I knew that I had blood drawn and a urine sample. My sexual assault nurse practitioner's number was on my records so I called her up. Shockingly, she answered. She explained to me that she wasn't surprised that my rape kit hadn't been processed because they are very expensive. She told me that if I wanted my toxicology reports that I had to go down to SFPD and get them from the crime lab.
I sat in my car after the conversation and went back and forth with myself as to whether I emotionally had it in me to return, yet again, to the sexual assault unit at the SF Superior Courthouse.
An hour later I sat in the waiting room at the Special Victims Unit. An Inspector came out 20 minutes later. I gave him my case number and he disappeared again for another 15. He came back here's the jist of our conversation:
Heather (H): So I am following up on my rape kit. It's been 2 and a half years now. When can I expect it to be processed? And if that is not possible then can I at least see my toxicology reports?
Inspector (I): Well, it looks like your case file is now in Iron Mountain. It's not accessible anymore. The status of your case is open/inactive.
H: Ok. but what about my toxicology reports? Can I at least get those from the crime lab?
I: Why do you want your toxicology reports?
H: To see what kind of drugs I was given?
I: Well, the likelihood of drugs showing up in your report is very slim. Basically the drugs leave your system the moment you wake up. And actually, alcohol is the more likely culprit for your blacking out...
H: But I only had two drinks.
I: Well, see, those two drinks, this is how we are trained to talk about this subject. See, you're a woman. Women metabolize alcohol differently because they are more hormonal, weigh less, have menstruation. Plus your metabolism would have changed if you ran the race that day. So while men... men could drink two drinks and steadily metabolize the alcohol the same way every time, women just don't. So it's more likely that you blacked out that day than anything else.

I left the SVU completely astounded at how medieval the SVU sex assault unit is in dealing with female rape victims. #WTF

SF then back to NYC

Welp, I am back in San Francisco. Gabrielle has pneumonia and needs some time to recover. I'm gonna do some fundraising and get my violin and head on back to New York.

Jan Reicher is letting me stay at her place since mine is subletted. So generous!!

Today I went to get my hospital records from my drug rape. Fun. Times. I need them to see my toxicology report.

So just FYI -- in case you ever need to get medical records from SF General hospital:
1) You will NOT get your medical records the same day you request them.

2) You CANNOT have your records emailed or faxed to you. You must pick them up in person.

3) Your medical records cost 0.25 cents a page. ("Even if I'm requesting rape records??" I ask. "Yep, still costs 0.25 cents a page. You may pay with cash, debit, or credit card.")

I'll be back in a week, SF General. Rape medical records here I come.

1 throw away song, 1 maybe keep some of it song

Ok so the full first song sounds something Patti Griffinish because duh, that's who I have been listening to for inspiration... But it's not really me. So scratch it. I've been fooling around on garageband and found a couple sounds that fit together. There are no chord changes or progressions. It stays in the same key the whole time! Ugh. Embarrassing. But it's super annoying "composing"  because I'm literally using my computer keyboard to write out the music. How unmusical. It feels so creatively dead. Guess I'm not destined to be a DJ. I need to get my violin shipped out here. Thinking of sending this song "sketch" attempt to my band as well to see if they have any instrumentation inspiration.

Here are the lyrics to my first garageband song. It's about the victim blaming I went through:

You shocked the girl
storm of grenades
in private passages
vulnerable veins

love me I scoff
kin we are not
the dog will always
track the bad blood

refugee tramp
don't call me again
i'm better off this way

like a bird
i have flown
the crystal ball is clear
you've shown no regret
the laceration is too deep

you're always right
mommy dearest why 
my bullet train
should have sped
on by

it stopped because
we've let each
other inside
I no longer take passengers
that won't look me in the eye

I have gone all the way for you
gone all the way for you

refugee tramp
don't call me again
i'm better off this way

Vocal Interludes

So nothing has been coming to me in terms of a full song about the whole rape experience. What has come instead are these vocal bits and pieces, kind of like interludes. I'm not working with instrumentation so I've just been using my voice to layer rhythmic sounds over my main melodies.   I've been recording them in garageband.

Gabrielle loves a lot of my interlude thingys!  But she still wants me to try and write a whole song. She asked me to go back into the time period of my rape and try to write from that place, from what I was experiencing then. I have five or six songs from a band I was with in the year after my rape. I need to take a listen to that material and see if I like any of it. She also suggested that I use some sort of instrumentation. So I am going to fumble my way through Garageband's instrumental offerings. Ugh. I am totes not skilled at this and pretty impatient with trying to learn. I'm sure it will be really simple but whatever I guess I have to at least try. I wish I had my band on me. We would kill on this.

2nd read-through with Gabrielle

I've been non-stop editing and editing and editing my piece which is a way different energy than being in the writing flow. It's stop and go and return and return and return to a single sentence for 10, 20, 40 minutes. And even then I'm sometimes not be satisfied.  I'm trying to make the piece as sparse as possible and still move the story along in a descriptive, paced way. This writing style is very different from my other piece. Plus Gabrielle is just trusting me to do the edits on my own for now which makes me a little uneasy since I could have ruined my piece last time but I am taking her direction and going for it.
Today I did a second run-through at G's loft. It was completely sweltering but the air conditioner in the main room of the house was too noisy so we went in her back room and I read the piece aloud Nilaya and her. At one point G closed her eyes and I immediately thought, "Oh great, she hates it. Now what?" Her eyes continued to stay closed and a few paragraphs later I stopped and said, "Um, did you fall asleep?"
"No, no, no, I'm just really hot, babe. I'm right with you. Keep going." I finished the piece. G said that she was really proud of me. "You've resurrected your piece. Now I have something I can work with. Good work. I'm so excited to be working with you."
She said that we now need to find a reputable dramaturg but in the meantime she gave me the next step -- musical composition. She told me to write a song about the whole drug rape experience.
I don't have my violin, guitar or band with me so I will just have to get creative vocally.
I can't believe I essentially wrote a whole new piece in 3 weeks! I am glad to step back from the writing. Definitely need a break from it.

4th of July read-through with Gabrielle

Today I met Gabrielle at her loft and read her my draft. She said it’s good but it might be too long as your voice was like, "dead by the end." I promised her it was from the tail end of my cold. She asked me a lot of questions about parts of the story that weren’t clear. She mused on particular parts of the story that could be brought to life theatrically especially the part about the inspector trying to sway me from pressing charges against the suspect. Her husband Robert (former defense attorney), came home so she asked him to come into our meeting. She asked him enact being the mock defense attorney and cross question me. He launched right into a barrage of questions that left me stupefied and backed up against a corner. Everyone agreed that we had to incorporate this somehow into the piece. As we were wrapping up, Jonathan's girlfriend, Morgan, stopped by. She showed us a blue dress she had found on sale for $20 bucks at Nordstrom rack. Gabrielle asked her if she knew anyone in college who had been raped. She said she only knew one girl but that she thought that a lot of women didn’t speak up about rape in college. Then we talked about dogs. G told us about Kim, a police trained german shepard that was given to her because Kim hated working with policeman. G was walking Kim when a man in a car flashed a knife and exposed himself to her. He told her that if she wanted to live, she knew what to do. G said, "my dog will fucking kill you." Before she even had a chance to command the dog, Kim had knashed right into the man’s leg and didn’t let go for several blocks as the man tried to run away. 

It's Fourth of July so I met Chaela and her BF back at her BF’s parents place to watch the fireworks on the rooftop. As they first started to spray over the Hudson river, I became teary-eyed. I thought, holy shit Heather, you’re doing it. You’re like, an artist. This is what you’ve always wanted to do and it’s happening. So be grateful to yourself and everyone who had supported and believed in you along the way. Just stop and take it all in.

The writing flow

I've been writing nonstop for the past five days and checking in with my director daily. She was worried I was writing the next American Novel. I promised her that I was a slow, ADD writer. Writing about the rape from a current voice was provocative for me. There was a lot of anger that came up and confusion about what to do with that anger since the event had happened two years ago. I had a dream where I was vomiting and barfing non-stop. I also wondered about what my rapist was up to now. And a lot of not really caring since so much time had passed. I got to a point where I just couldn’t write anymore so my director said, send me your stuff! I sent her the first four pages and said a prayer that she liked it. She left me a voicemail, saying, “it’s great heather, it’s really great.” I was on the subway to harlem when I heard her vm. Flood of relief. I knew she was a tough critic. 

So I was planning to back to San Francisco to sublet my place and tie up some loose ends before coming back out to NYC. But my director said, I don’t really see why you would break up your flow right now. You are in a great writing groove. If you need your violin just have it shipped or better yet, just rent one. 

My friend Chaela and her boyfriend had just moved into a new place in Harlem and offered me their extra bedroom at a reduced rent for a couple months. I said, fuck it, let’s do it. I just bought a bed. I have three dresses, three pairs of heels, about three changes of clothes, and my computer. I guess I'm set for now.

Meeting at Gabrielle's apartment

Yesterday Chaela and I went to yoga. The new york yogis do not fuck around and my muscles were shaking in 5 minutes! I met Gabrielle in the afternoon. She lives a few blocks from Union square. She came shuffling down the long hall of her modern loft in her plush gold-flowered maroon slippers and wearing all black. I felt like a fat cow compared to her thin, gaunt frame. Her well styled black hair was pulled back into a bun. She told me that she had been reading my piece and that while it was a beautiful writing it was not theater. She also said that my character has no transformation and that people go to theater to be transformed. She said, “as of right now, this piece leaves me no room to direct.” Then she said, “you know if you don’t mind, let’s get right to work, ok?” She set me up on the couch and her assistant sat with us. She told me to just talk about the rape with no filter, no censor, as if I was telling it to a friend. So I did for 20 minutes, looking mostly at the director's assistant because I was so nervous. Gabrielle stopped me at some point and said, "ok, hon. You need to go and find your voice. I see the framework and you fill the frame with your voice. Not the voice of the dazed, disassociated woman in post traumatic shock that your original piece is written from. The voice of the Heather now. The feisty, transformed, vulnerable, humourous, woman who had the bravery and courage to write this piece." She gave me some suggestions of what that voice would sound like. She said either you can write it on your own or we can do this back and forth together. I told her I would think on which approach worked better for me. She gave me a hug and we agreed to be in touch.

I rushed home and changed into my most “New York” outfit ($20 bucks at Ross) to meet up with Jan and Suzette at their friend's brownstone on the upper east side. I came home and stayed up until 4am talking with my Chaela about my piece, about rapists, about what I'm trying to say, about how much I've changed since the last time I've written, about what the director wants me to do.

Today, I spoke with Gabrielle. She said, "Heather, I’ve thought about this arrangement of us working together. I think you need to just write on your own other wise I am going to take over. Not because I want to but because that’s just what will happen. So go to a coffee shop or to the park, you’re in a new city, that can often be good… and get to work. And keep it quick and short. Lots of lists. Humor. Terse. That is the voice I am looking for."

I cannot believe I am rewriting my piece. From the beginning. But here I go into the flow of writingland...